Because stuff needs talking about.

Daily Top 5 #4

Top 5 Terrible adverts’s sense berating adverts have recently been voted the most annoying of last year by the British public, but let’s a have a quick look at what other beauties managed to induce anger, depression, or shudders of horror in just 30 seconds, over the last few months.

5. Compensation Adverts:  Far too many to count separately, this plethora of free money campaigns almost takes up more daytime TV airspace than ‘Bargain Hunt’ in its various guises.  The flagship company, ‘National Accident Helpline’ has by far the highest budget of the lot seeing as it features that dodgy guy who used to be in ‘Eastenders’, serious looking black guy, and stern, but still mildly (not threateningly) attractive woman.  In their ad, they bombard viewers with possible accident locations while all the while determinedly walking at the camera.  Alright, Mr. Eastenders, I’ll trip or fall anywhere, just stop trying to climb out of my TV!

4.  BT:  Now really, from a company this size you’ve got to expect better than a condensed soap opera whose story is dragged out for what seems like eternity.  In the few minutes between watching programmes I’d rather not be encouraged to vote on grown up ‘My Family’ idiot and bad hair ladies’ next relationship twist, unless one of the options happens to be; they’re both horrifically injured and unable to have their awkward love life portrayed on TV anymore.  What’s worse is that with the new year comes a spin off.  We follow the son as he moves out into a flat with a girl (ooh possible awkward romance scenes!) and a stereotypical twatty loser who curses his superfast broadband for ruining his one chance to entice a lady on her own into his nerd lair.  Damn you BT homehub!

3.  Glade Air Freshener:  Getting right to the issue of what every modern woman truly cares about, how her house smells when her friends visit.  Not content with, making a house smell like Christmas or summer, or any other season or public holiday, Glade can also boast incredibly elegant or discreet design which will be able to fool any middle class coffee morning gathering into thinking that you’re displaying a work of art.  My favourite of these is when badly dubbed voice woman A is showing off her stone collection to her gullible friends, who are astonished that this oddly shaped weird vase thing with Glade written on the front, isn’t a stone at all but an air freshener!  Who’d have thought it?  The gender stereotypes continue with the entrance of the husband in a different ad, who is baffled by this bamboozling contraption that emits its fug when he walks past to cover the horrible stench of men.  I hate you Glade, you old fashioned belief wielding bastards!

2.  There’s so much to hate about these adverts.  Firstly; the use of a doctored version of ‘YMCA’, a terribly annoying song even in its original form.  Secondly; the cheapness of the set of adverts.  Is it too much to ask for a set of fresh voiceovers for the Scottish cartoon woman and just the same recycled ambiguous phrases placed in a different order?  Thirdly; the horrendous use of background stereotypes.  We have the extra-large black diva who is barely able to fit in the car AND the attractive, well groomed, obviously gay man clad in his tight t-shirt and jeans.  I’m guessing one of the idea sessions went along the lines of, “We need to make it clear that we are a company for everybody, even ridiculous stereotypes!”  And last of all, why does the main woman have to constantly pull something different each advert from the vast canyon between her legs?  It started off small with a present, then a bouquet of flowers and ended up with a whole road with surrounding hills and scenery!  Honestly, look at it again and that’s not definitely a skirt pocket she’s getting these things from!

1.  Halifax:  Of course the top spot had to be held by that horrendously annoying blonde woman and her stupid Vanilla Ice-ing mate. I’ve honestly never seen anyone so excited by repeatedly getting her mate to turn the radio up to play The Lightning Seeds and it angers me so much I struggle to even change the channel through sheer, convulsive rage.  The newer adverts with that “choir” of “Halifax workers” singing “heartfelt” songs equally sap my will to live.  I mean, how can a bank possibly believe that they can be all pally with the viewers and win back all the misplaced faith and trust that has been lost over the last few years by singing Katrina and the fucking Waves!  It’s amazing that in 30 seconds, such an inconsequential amount of time in the great journey of life, so much anger and pain can be created by a bunch of morons in a room pretending to have a good time while working on a fictional radio show, and singing emotionless songs.

So there you have it, a pretty angry one from me today, but God damn it I hate adverts!

Got something to say about this list?  Leave me a comment.


3 responses

  1. Maff Stenning

    Hahaha Glade took the finest beating for me there… Any writing that contains the terms ‘stone collection’ and ‘fug’ is always to going to make my day! Overall, a very inspired and well-reasoned rant mate.

    February 1, 2012 at 12:18 pm

    • Cheers dude, Glade was my favourite to do. Might have to stick with a regular advert ridiculing post, it’s very enjoyable to write!

      February 2, 2012 at 1:07 am

  2. Very good, but two glaring omissions:

    1. My former favourite, the GoCompare opera singer adverts – speaks for itself.

    2. My new favourite (by favourite I mean worst), the Ladbrokes advert with the screaming foreign commentator – how fast can you dive across a room and hit the mute button on the remote control? Awful.

    March 1, 2012 at 9:15 pm

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