Because stuff needs talking about.

Daily Top 5 #6

Top 5 Worst Train Passengers

We’ve all been there, stuck on a boring train thinking that nothing could make this return journey to Monotony General any worse and then BAM! Hit by any one of these trip ruiners with no escape other than the option of getting of some backwater stop like Lichfield Trent Valley or something, and I ain’t never doing that, not never.  So here’s a top 5 featuring a selection of these irritating fools, sorry in advance for raising everybody’s hatred levels.

5. The broadsheet newspaper reader:  There’s always at least one of these idiots on the busiest train or tube journey imaginable when everyone’s crammed in like clowns in a mini.  Yet somehow they still think it’s acceptable to unfurl enough newspaper to house at least 12 homeless people and persist on elbowing everyone in the vicinity in the chest while they try and turn their comically oversized pages.  They’re hard to enough to read in the comfort of your home let alone in an overcrowded carriage.  Even when they manage to get a table to support their gargantuan sheets it still doesn’t work because not even the table is big enough!  Next time, give up trying to read your Financial Times and just stare awkwardly at the extremely close face of the person in front of you like we all have to do.

4. The terrified old lady:  I couldn’t put this any higher because you can’t be nasty to old ladies, can you?  But, old lady, just because I may look younger than 30, and have casual clothing on, possibly including a hood or a hat, does not mean that I am going to viciously attack you and steal your purse.  Where am I going to hide anyway, I’m on a train for God’s sake, I’m not likely to get off at Warrington Bank Quay am I?  And we’ve all done it, you think, I know, I’ll ease their worry with a nice friendly smile saying ‘you’re perfectly safe with me, I’m no threat’.  But somehow this act of niceness gets lost in translation and becomes a menacing, knowing smirk meaning, ‘that’s right old lady, you know you’re fucked now!’  Not all of us are capable of attacking and stealing from the elderly, so just give us a chance sometimes.

3. The fidgeter:  This person is inevitably the person sat next to you on a busy journey when, disgustingly, you actually have to share your row with another person.  More often than not they’ll be sat in the window seat as well, bastards.  They are the people who put their bag on the rack at the top, apparently oblivious to the fact that they might want/need something from it at some time during the hours on board.  Then they realise but instead of thinking, ‘I know, I’ll just get everything I need at once to save the nice looking chap next to me the inconvenience of me rubbing my crotch or arse in his face every time I shuffle past him’, they persist in getting their drink, then putting it back, getting some overly loud food, then putting it back, getting their book often titled ‘How to be more of an annoying prick in public’ and, yes you guessed it, put it back.  As well as all this, they’ll no doubt have a cold, and rummage in their pockets every two minutes for a tissue, and to really top it off, they’ll leave taking they’re massive coat off until a few minutes into the journey and then drag it all over your face when they struggle to take it off in the confined space of the window seat!

2. The small time businessmen:  You know the type, the ones who take up all the table seats with their laptops, ipads, blackberries, documents, briefcases, newspapers (only broadsheet of course!) and other pieces of crap they think they need to help them make inconsequential decisions about shit that no one cares about.  What’s worse is when a few of them get together and carry out a business meeting directly opposite which only consists of drinking coffee and spouting nonsensical phrases at each other like, ‘conceptualize’ and using words like, ‘impact’ and, ‘flowchart’ as verbs.  If you are as big time as you think you are, shouldn’t you be in the office or in a nice car not on a shit train, at two in the afternoon, ruining my life.

1. The mental person:  This person is one of those are just on the border of crazytown and can quite easily pass of some degree of normalcy except for, it seems, when they step on to public transport.  You’ve got to start wondering when someone comes and sit next to you on a completely empty train, if everything is alright upstairs.  You can sense them on the platform, and secretly edge away until you’re at the other end of the train, but just wait, you’ll hear that carriage door open and that sinking feeling of despair kicks in as they bound over to you, like a big friendly puppy.  To these, the wearing of headphones doesn’t mean a thing, they’ll just keep talking until you take them out, there is no escape, you are cornered, carefully monitoring everything you say and agreeing vehemently with anything so that hopefully you might just escape being stabbed in eye while they laugh manically.  Then they throw down the ultimate gauntlet, by offering you their cider, at nine in the morning.  Say yes, and you have to drink a crazy person’s cider but say no and you get the taken aback pause, and you sit there, shitting yourself, while they work out whether to go mental or laugh.  Luckily these people often only stay on for a stop or two (normally getting off at Crewe) but for that ten or fifteen minutes, you actually fear for your life.  Next journey, you just pray you get the boredom of an uneventful, solitary train ride.

So that’s it, today’s list is complete, incidentally I started thinking about this on a train journey whilst writing on my laptop.  What have I become…

Got something to say about this list, leave a comment.


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