Because stuff needs talking about.

Top 5 #8

Top 5 Reasons Why England Never Win Anything (And It Isn’t the Manager)

Seeing as Capello’s done one, I thought it was time what else could be the possible reason behind England’s glorious footballing failure.  Surely it can’t just be whichever unlucky manager that has been thrown underneath the England team bus, can it?

5. Shocking Tactics:  There is nothing worse in world football than watching defenders hoofing it aimlessly up field, oh sorry, I don’t mean world football, players don’t seem to go for that abroad whilst here in Britain they get applauded for it.  It seems to be an acceptable and commended style of play for a defender as if this has been the hardest and most skilful option they could have chosen.  It’s like they are constantly playing last ditch football when there is barely any threat in any of the previous ditches.  Also the long standing tradition which originates in school teams is the tactic of ‘pass it to the best player and everything will be alright’.  Happens every time with Beckham, Gerrard, Lampard, and now Rooney.  It’s just like how Barca do it with Messi. Oh actually, wait a minute…

4. English Mentality:  Far too many times have we been told by a brain dead pundit that an English player “may not be the most skilful player on the park (always park!) but he never stops running”.  This may show dedication to the cause but surely it’s not worth the amount praise that English fans gush on to the players guilty of being a talentless battler.  It may actually be the most highly prized trait an Englishman can have, just look at John Terry’s seal dive in the world cup, the fans loved his never say die approach when really, that situation wouldn’t have occurred if people were better at football. Fair play though, he did give it his all, 110%, dedication to the cause, fight to the last…

3. The Media:  As far as ‘The Sun’ is concerned it IS football gospel, and in their eyes football is a war.  The team is the pride of the nation, the standard bearer of England, personifying everything it means to British and patriotic.  Until we lose, and then it’s no longer our boys fighting versus the world, it’s us against the foreign manager, or the people versus that player who made the mistake which led the seventh goal which was definitely the reason we lost.  The problem is, people read these red top stories and think, ‘yeah, it can’t just be that someone’s better than us or that we’re shit at football, it’s his fault.  You can’t have a some foreigner managing England, bring me the most English person ever, bring me English football personified, god damn it where’s Harry Redknapp, or Ray Winstone, or Dick Van Dyke!?’  What chance does any manager have when they have to defeat the world with a team full of ball-hoofers (cheeky) and big front men?

2.  Emile Heskey:   I know, I know it’s not all his fault but he is really shit!  It’s not just Emile Heskey though, it’s what he represents.  Heskey can be in terrible form and not even got a shot near the goal in the league but he can sit back at home just waiting for the phone call to come.  The fear of change is rife throughout English football and holds the England team in paralysis for the foreseeable future.  But who do you play, Gerrard or Lampard?  Why not neither?  Why not try something new like that German team beat the shit of you in the World Cup?  How about playing your best forwards rather than just one god one and one that’s over 6’5”?  Because that means change, and that’s not acceptable.  All the fans complain, like the newspaper told them to, at the lack of adventure and creativity under the last managerial casualty, but then explode with anger and fear if the new guy changes it up a bit.

1.  The Players:  Of course this is number one.  The England team isn’t good enough to win anything.  Fact.  No British players are anywhere near being the best in the world but the majority of them believe themselves to be anyway.  The battle of egos in that dressing room must be sickening to witness, the air thick with unearned confidence.  ‘It’s only Spain innit, hardly any of their players play in the Premier League so they can’t be that good.  We’ve got defenders who can hoof it loads further than theirs, and look how small their strikers are!’  Just because you get talked about the most doesn’t make you the best.  All this ill-gotten bigheadedness has really clouded the issue of technical ability and most of all teamwork, something that a team of individuals can never hope to achieve.

So there’s my Top 5, I was going to include Steve McLaren in there somewhere as I’m pretty sure he can’t be classified as a manage but I resisted.

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