Woke up with my throat hurting again. Went to Ray Winstone’s house for dinner yesterday, us faces of betting have to stick together. Not sure if I’ll be invited back again though, we played a game of Fifa and I got a bit carried away when I got my fifth corner. The wife didn’t look too impressed but what can I say? I just get a bit excited sometimes. She proper sniped at me on the way home and I got a bit angry, shouting doesn’t seem to have the same effect as it used to though.
Got home and was happy to see Sports Relief on the TV, if it was up to me there’d be sport on all the time. I offered to go Africa to do a special report and I showed them my portfolio to show what I could do but they said they wanted to go for a calmer and more sympathetic angle. I thought to myself, look at how much money my adverts get in and tell me my mild excitement doesn’t encourage the audience? Anyway, I was just in time to see that comedian that sounds like Gerrard with food in his mouth and the fat one from Take it Like a Fan. I like him, even though he does like to sleep with Beckham, and he makes me laugh, a lot. I went to bed quite late and my wife said she hadn’t slept at all because I was being too loud. She just doesn’t appreciate humour and subtlety like I do.
Anyway, despite my throat I was in a good mood, it was Saturday, football day! I checked the Ladbrokes website and put a few little wagers down. There’s something about betting on football that always gets me excited, I just can’t contain myself. I love it nearly as much as football itself. I don’t know what it is about English fans: they only care about goals, but for me, I love it all, the corners, the cards, the number of throw ins, it all just makes me want to shout out loud! With my adrenaline racing, I made my way to Stamford Bridge to see Robbie and his boys play Spurs.
Just got home and the game was amazing! It finished 0-0 and nothing much happened but I thought it was heart stopping entertainment all match! Not sure if everyone agreed with me though, couple of people shushed me in the corporate box and that idiota with his iphone from Paddy Power sneered at me when security told me to calm down. Honestly, these people think they like football, they don’t even cheer when an offside is given. My philosophy is: if you’re excited, the audience is excited, so if I’m super excited, then the crowd will go wild! You could learn a few things from me Motson.
I came home and my wife was cooking my favourite meal for dinner. I was jumping for joy! There’s something about good food that gets me sooo excited! I was ecstatic, and to top it off, when I went for a shower and balled up my socks and threw them at the laundry bin on the other side of the room. The first one sailed in, I praised the Lord, my heart raced as I took aim again. I threw it and time seemed to slow down, the sock looped through the air and to my horror bounced on the edge of the basket. I swear my heart nearly stopped, adrenaline coursed through my veins. It bounced again, and then, amazingly, dropped right in.
“YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEES,” I shouted, “GOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAALLLL!”
I got in the shower still smiling to myself. When I got out my wife said that the neighbours had complained again about the persistent noise. Some people just need to lighten up. I thought I’d better smooth things over with them so I went over to apologise. When I got there they were watching a film on their home cinema system. There’s something about home cinema systems that gets me really excited. I started celebrating with the couple and they didn’t look happy, when I tried to kiss the man on each cheek in joy, he took a swing at me. I ran out of the house, half scared, half full of joy, and as I got on to the lawn my emotions took hold and slid on my knees and punched the air.
We had dinner and my wife went straight to bed, I had a great time, first Match of the Day and then the Football League Show. I went to bed over the moon. Better get some rest I suppose, I’ve got a really awesome day planned tomorrow!
It’s brilliant that we live in such a diverse world where so many different ideas and varieties of entertainment can be taken in by the willing public. There are a few though, some inexplicable, nonsensical, lack lustre leisure activities that have somehow made their way in to the hearts of many on a far too regular occasion. Here is a list of some of the main offenders:
5. Tarot Readings: With all the science and knowledge in the world today it’s amazing that this money spinner is still paid for and, in an alarmingly high number of cases, believed in. The fact that in France and Italy the cards are used for a regular card game says it all, but somewhere along the way people have stopped and thought, “Hold on, this hand I’ve been dealt for this game purely by chance really relates to my life and my future, probably. Why has no one realised this before!?” Because it’s bollocks, that’s why. The public though, likes to believe, and believe they will.
4. Karaoke: There is no greater disappointment than going to the pub with your friends for a few relaxing drinks, only to discover that it’s a bloody karaoke night, even worse if you’ve already bought your drink before you realise, and if the only table left is the one right by the speakers. Gutted. Most people who can’t sing don’t really like to celebrate that fact, but others revel in it, for the amusement of others. But the worst is the half talented performers who take it too seriously and think they’re doing everyone a service by trundling through ‘Total Eclipse of the Heart’ with all the emotion drained out of it. These mildly talented people are the bane of karaoke, not bad enough to be funny, not good enough to be impressive, just there, to take up the valuable minutes of your life and serve up malnourished versions of soulless pop songs. If you’re really lucky, you might get some middle-aged guy singing ‘Angels’, but only if you play your cards right.
3. Hypnotism: A very, very strange concept for entertainment. Here we see a person losing all control of their actions and being forced in to highly embarrassing situations, much to the hilarity of the somewhat sinister crowd. I’m pretty sure that if this was the Harry Potter world, you’d get put in jail for that kind of shit. The volunteer must obviously be a fan of the act, or just so starved of attention that they want to make a fool of themselves in front of a room of strangers, the ridiculous part of it is though that by putting themselves at the mercy of the hypnotist, they then miss the whole act which they have paid to see. What a waste.
2. Human Statues: What is the point? I mean really, why is this seen as a worthy act which is deserved of spare change? If you have ever given money to these fake marble fools then I hope you are aware that you have paid someone to stand still. And what’s worse, by paying them, you are allowing them to move. Surely, the longer they stand still the more “impressive” it gets and therefore could be worth more but by going down that route the pseudo-sculpture would never “earn” any money. What a shame. Anyway, to all you fraudulent figurines, standing still does not count as work, and no one will be fooled by a man wearing a sheet with a painted face, standing outside Carphone Warehouse.
1. Mime: Why, why, why would anyone want to see someone pretending to do everyday tasks while they do their Saturday shopping. I don’t know about you, but watching someone pretending to touch a wall just doesn’t really do it for me. Call it a lack of imagination and humour but I’m not that fussed about seeing a man fake eating a banana. And call me a bore but I’m certainly not overawed with watching a one-man, fictitious tug-of-war. It’s just stupid, that’s all, and a waste of eyesight. It has to be top of the list because no one gains anything from it occurring. The audience leave disappointed at witnessing the most mundane of actions be faked in front of them, and the mime artist themselves haven’t got anything worthwhile done because they’ve been faffing about all day phoning it in.
So that’s it, a list of time-wasting, pointless forms of “entertainment” for you to boycott, for your viewing pleasure. Hopefully this list can bring you more excitement than the bullshit it focuses on.
Out of the hundreds that try, only a few adverts that go for the wacky approach ever work and they’re pretty much always for kids’ cereals. One that tried and got it all wrong, is Uncle Ben’s Express Rice.
First things first Ben, you make rice, plain old, bog standard rice, it will always be rice and no amount of wishing is going to change that. Rice goes with stuff, it’s an accompaniment, like a bass guitar, or a boring friend, nice to have around but you’re not going to want them on their own. This advertising strategy goes against the engrained (lol) role of rice in society. Uncle Ben’s tries to push it to the foreground and therefore must create a world of such wackiness as to support such an idea.
So we step into Ben’s world, a place where electrical appliances only respond to vocal peace talk and men wear shirts made from 70s wallpaper. This disaster-clad fool doesn’t understand, despite being informed by his lady friend, that he has to talk to the microwave. I mean, honestly, what kind of moron is this guy? You would have thought he have some experience of magic seeing as he clearly takes his fashion advice from Ron Weasley. Bloody Muggles. Of course he has to talk to the microwave. How else would he do his job and tell the audience that the rice isn’t full of additives and all that. Hardly shocking news really though Ben seeing as, well, you’re just rice.
The sceptical fashion black hole does as he’s told and is rewarded with the rice for him and his friends to enjoy (hopefully as an accompaniment), while said friends look at him like he’s an idiot. He tries to repair his faux pas with a quip “I’ll just go and speak to the dish washer” to which his lady friend replies, “Don’t be a fucking idiot, mudblood.” Well not exactly but she might have well of with that patronising laugh and eye-roll she offers instead.
So to summarise, you’ve just spent thirty seconds watching a man talk to a microwave to try and sell a product which is half the world’s staple food. Pointless isn’t the word.