We are all familiar with the monumentally successful book series Harry Potter and the subsequent film adaptations which have captured the hearts and minds of children and adults alike since the late nineties.
What you may not know is that, with every release bringing more and more notoriety and the possibility to make some serious wizarding moolah, an almost infinite series started being planned, keeping Harry and his friends in a never-ageing, never-changing magical stasis, while each new title flew off the shelves to the sound of cash registers ringing. The idea was eventually scrapped however, as Rowling realised how much of a contradiction minefield the fictional world would create and was in a meeting with Bloomsbury, was quoted to have said, ‘Fuck that!’
Here at TPCA however, we have managed to unearth a shocking list containing just some of the hundreds of provisional titles that were being held in consideration for this new look, leviathan book series. We must warn you, it is clear that attitudes towards the nation’s beloved wizard had taken a turn for the worse, presumably as a result of the constant media storm surrounding Rowling and the imminent release of the film adaptations. Some are vicious, others just plain lazy, and some, well they’re just absurd.
So here, finally available for public viewing, is the forgotten list:
Harry Potter and the Effervescing Elf
Harry Potter and the Vandellas
Harry Potter and the Half-Pound Mince
Harry Potter and the Sartorial Disaster
Harry Potter and the Wizarding Occurrence
Harry Potter and the Ghost/Werewolf/Bad Wizard
Harry Potter and the Time Shit Got Real
Harry Potter in the Hood
Harry Potter and the Time He Didn’t Win
Harry Potter and the Disappointing Ending
Harry Potter and the Blood Test Mystery
Harry Potter Goes To Washington
Harry Potter up The Khyber
Harry Potter and Ron’s Dad: An Unlikely Team
Harry Potter and the Need to Prove Himself
Harry Potter and the Penetrative Sex Scene
Harry Potter and the Satisfying Toilet Read
Harry Potter and the Rehashed Plot
Harry Potter and the Muggle Genocide
Harry Potter and the Trip to Alton Towers
Harry Potter Sings the Classics
Harry Potter and the Hate Crime
Harry Potter and the Band of Nerds
Harry Potter and the Suggestive Robes
Harry Potter and His Merry Men
Harry Potter and the Spiked Drink
Harry Potter and the Incredible Likeness of Being
Harry Potter and the Victimless Crime
Harry Potter and the Wand Fest
Harry Potter and the Overzealous Friend
Harry Potter and the Crushing Weight of Expectation
Harry Potter and the Legend of Ron
Harry Potter and the Exile of Ron
Harry Potter and the Seducing of Ron
Harry Potter and the Long, Drawn Out Affair
Harry Potter and the Inevitable Film Adaptation
Harry Potter and the Wizard’s Sleeve
Harry Potter and the Dorm Room Diaries
Harry Potter and the Scandalous Revelation
Harry Potter and the Troubled Boy Comes Good Storyline
Harry Potter and the Unerring Lack of Emotion
Harry Potter and the Taciturn Hand
Harry Potter and the Steroids
Harry Potter and the Burning
Harry Potter and the Inexplicable Reliance on Owls
Harry Potter and the Complete Reading of ‘King Lear’
Harry Potter and the Surprising Omission of English, Maths and Science from the Syllabus
Harry Potter and the Massive Bereavement
Harry Potter and the Banana Hammock
Harry Potter: Neville’s Story
Harry Potter: Hedwig’s Revenge
Harry Potter and the Dutch Rudder
Harry Potter and the Lion, Witch and the Wardrobe
Harry Potter and the Silly Dog
Harry Potter and the Never ending whimsical magic shenanigans
Harry Potter and the Mystery of Ron’s Face
Harry Potter and the Yay or Nay List
Harry Potter and the Viagra Potion Calamity
Harry Potter and the Statutory Rape Trial
Harry Potter and the Chastised Boggart
Harry Potter and the Underwhelming Performance
Harry Potter and the Crippling Adolescence
Harry Potter and the Straight to TV Movie
Harry Potter Unwavering Erection
Harry Potter: My Perfect Sunday
So there you go. The shocking list of unused book titles from an abandoned money spinning scheme. We believe that this list has barely scratched the surface and that there hundreds more just like it, hidden away from the public. It is our duty to uncover the truth and expose what might have been to the world. If anyone manages to dig out one of these lists of shame, please contact us and we will publish to the world this near literary travesty.
Thank you for reading and please get in touch.
More often than not, early on a weekday morning, I’m not really too ready to take on the on the kind of debate that is reserved for Friday night’s idiotic chatter with the local, Clarkson brown-nosers down the pub. Sometimes though, accidentally of course, through bleary eyes I flick on the TV and suddenly a crowd of obstinate and ill-informed self-proclaimed experts appears, spouting nonsense and doggedly rejecting anything that sounds remotely like a differing point of view. No, it’s not Dave, or news coverage of another incessant political quarrel, it’s Channel 5, and it’s The Wright Stuff.
It seems that there has been some confusion about the role of the panel show when it came to setting up this one. Surely the idea is to invite a variety of guests representing different sections of societies and viewpoints. Instead, The Wright Stuff plumps for ex-celebrities and the pseudo-famous, basically a selection of irregular This Morning guests and retired minor sports personalities. To counter-balance the stupidity, a person with a slight grasp on little things like morals and values and even the smallest amount of empathy is drafted in and given the job of buffering the generalisations and ignorance which stream out of the mouths of all around them. You can almost feel the awkwardness as Anne Diamond bites her tongue and squirms as her fellow panel members regurgitate outdated stereotypes and impossible solutions to issues they don’t have a clue about. I’m almost certain that as she sits there futilely praying for Terry Christian to stop being blasé about everything as a way of avoiding having to respond with anything valid, and watches the glory days of her career dissipate into the ether, buoyed by the fumes from the shit that is being committed to words below.
In the role of mediator we have Matthew Wright who tactfully disperses any tension from the heated debate by dismissing anyone else’s opinion and revealing the ‘right’ view, basically rendering the whole panel section of the show, utterly pointless. It’s not a problem for a person to air the own personal views, but to smuggle it though as one that has been debated over and then agreed is surely a bit wrong. After all, any half asleep person who isn’t in work at ten in the morning could be easily susceptible to the subtle suggestions of The Wright Show. I mean, it’s hard enough not to get involved in the serious topical discussions, let alone such pressing issues such as the infamous, ‘Foxy Knoxy: Would Ya?’ where callers were asked whether they found Amanda Knox, the original suspect in the Meredith Kercher murder case until she was acquitted, or Monday’s quandary of whether Milk Tray has gone down in standard recently.
My personal highlight, and reoccurring feature, of the show is when a poor, unsuspecting member of the home-based audience phones up as requested by Wrighty, only to be barracked and berated for offering their opinion and end up in a petty argument with their favoured host. Take a look at this for example:
It’s amazing to think that this show still manages to keep people calling in, what with half of the innocent, clueless viewing audience having already been sniped at and cowed by the host and the rest waiting nervously in line like cows outside an abattoir.
But despite this, the show keeps going, the fools keep calling, and the bullshit keeps flowing, fuelling the nation’s skewed pub banter and perpetuating the continuous cycle of bias and single-mindedness which makes Britain, Britain. You see, there is no difference between Wright and wrong. There can’t be when everything else is dismissed and only the one version of the story is told as the truth. This is the place where a single opinion is made into fact, and dished out under the guise of the freedom to choose. Nice one Wrighty.
I’m sure you’ve all heard about Anthony Worrall Thompson getting busted in Tesco for nicking cheese and wine. What follows below is a completely accurate sequence of events which have not been doctored or altered in any way (not entirely true):
“Don’t you know who I am?” He asked derisibly, as he crammed another block in his chinos pocket.
“My face is on that fucking pasta sauce bottle!” The security guard looked, and then turned back to the man, a shadow of his heady, sauce days.
“I’ve been on the telly,” he whimpered in response to the security guard stern glare.
“We’ve all been on the telly these days mate” replied the guard. Wozza quivered and sobbed. The security guard looked awkward and gave a manly pat on the shoulder.
“Do you think they’ll let me do the quick omelette challenge again?” sobbed Anthony through the tears.
“I doubt it mate,” was the response. That was the last straw for Wozza, the 2005 Crianza rioja slipped from under his coat and shattered on the floor while Tesco looked around in shock. The lifeblood of Anthony’s career slowly seeped and hid under the shelves, sheltered from the scrutinizing gaze of the celebrity chef world.
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