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Top 5

Top 5 #14

Top 5 Worst Things to Have to Buy From the Shop

We all having a handy shop in walkable distance, you can avoid the hassle and distraction of a trip to the supermarket and you know it’s always there to get those essentials should you suddenly realise you’re without. Sometimes though, they can set up situations of extreme embarrassment and a walk of shame comparable to that of any post-night out Sunday morning, and here’s how:

5. Just milk

So you’re halfway through making a brew, you open the fridge and terror strikes; no milk. No worries, you can just nip to the shop in your slippers, pick some up and be back for the click before the click of the kettle. What you forgot about however was that for some reason a plastic bottle of milk has the potential to be the coldest thing on the face of the earth. So cold, that two Jean Claude Van Dammes would be needed to get the message across. So cold, that scientists could use them when liquid nitrogen just isn’t good enough. So cold, that…that, well you get the point now. Anyway, after realising halfway home your error of not bringing one of thousands of bags for life from home, all that is left is to walk as fast as possible without breaking into a full on slipper scuttle, and making it home to thaw out your frozen fingers with a well-earned cup of tea.

4. A solitary can of beer

Nothing screams desperation like apologetically placing a single can of lager on the till, disdain beating down on you from the shopkeeper’s gaze as he tars you with the alcoholic brush. Sometimes one can is all you want though, for example, it could be a work night and there’s a football match on. You could be mildly upset, but not so sad as to warrant fully drowning your spirits. There are thousands of possibilities which would necessitate in only one can being purchased but society frowns on such an act and restricts beer buying to a four can minimum. It’s your choice though, buy the solitary can that you wanted and face the judgement of all that witnessed it, or give in to peer pressure, buy the multipack and inevitably drink them all, resulting in one horrible Tuesday morning in work.

3. Munchies

It’s a well-known and widely accepted fact that indulging in certain drugs leads to an insatiable appetite for anything unhealthy and attractively packaged. The kind of food you don’t have at home unless you’ve thoroughly prepared for the night’s frivolities. Sadly, the majority of the people who are likely to partake in such a pleasure, aren’t exactly the most organised of folk and thus may not have bought in the necessary supplies to quell the dreaded munchies. This means a half-baked squinty stumble to the shop (or dream factory as it may seem at the time) is called for. Aisle upon aisle of salty and sweet treats await the plucky adventurer, anything that a ravenous reveller could ever wish for all lined up and organised for ease of purchase. There is a drawback however, and it’s not just deciding between Frazzles and salt and vinegar Chipsticks. It’s standing at the checkout, red-eyed and incredibly self-conscious while the person on the till scans through several Chomps and your buy one get one free 2 litre bottles of Fanta, trying to hold it together long enough to get back to the safety of your house with your all-important rations. It’s the realisation that everyone around you is aware of your basket of goodies and has deduced from your appearance and noxious odour that you are most likely not a diabetic crashing. No matter how subtle and inconspicuous you might try and be, in reality you might as well be walking around with a dreadlock wig on and have Bob Marley’s greatest hits playing as your own personal soundtrack. In reality, you are this guy:Stoner-Sterotype

2: Embarrassing Medicine

Yep, the title says it all really. You’ve got something wrong with you that you don’t want anyone to know about but sooner or later, you’re going to have to bite the bullet and take a trip to Boots. Getting the required humiliating product to the till is hard enough in itself, at least three in-motion scouting attempts of the aisle are necessary, obviously without lingering too long so as not to draw attention. Eventually, after hours of circling and feigned interest in the new scents of Original Source shower gel you may get your chance, a clear shot at your target. Now the object mortification is in your hand however, things have got so much worse. You are now linked to this thrush treatment, the haemorrhoid cream and you are one, a semantic union has been created between man and product, between your reddening face and the bulk buy Imodium in your hand. Yes folks, I think Martin Lawrence sums everybody’s feelings up perfectly in this video:

Luckily, shops now have the self-service option, potentially saving you huge embarrassment by avoiding the mandatory human interaction of the till. Just to make sure you don’t escape without complete humiliation at every stage of your shop visit though, the name of each product is proudly emblazoned across the screen as you bundle your shame into your bag. This wouldn’t be so bad if pharmaceutical companies had settled on normal names for the products but alas this is not the case. As one last shot to the wounded pride of the buyer, glaringly obvious and disgusting titles are flaunted to the baying crowd behind them. Titles such as Vagisil, Germaloids, and my personal favourite, Retardex. That’s right, you’re not even spared from humiliation when buying mouthwash.

1: Toilet Roll

Here we are then, number one. I know this should have been number two for the cheap lolz but it has been deemed in certain circumstance as the most embarrassing product to have to buy at the shop, and here’s why. There will be times in everyone’s lives where a collision between saving money and logical thinking will occur. On multiple occasions you will have bought into unnecessary buy one get one free offers, two for five pounds on multipacks of Coke when one was awkward to carry anyway, or enough bulk buy packets of crisps to sustain a small army, albeit a very unhealthy one. Toilet roll falls into this category far too often, giving customers fifty per cent extra free on a regular basis and as result creating huge, whole redwood sized packs for the buyer to struggle home with. But what if all you wanted from the shop was toilet roll? What if you had all of a sudden realised you were running out and nipped to the shop to top up? Then the decision becomes harder to make, buy the smaller, more discreet pack, or save those precious pennies and look like a man proudly parading around the fact that he is in imminent need of the toilet? Maybe I’ve thought too far into this, but when I see I person walking down the street with a 24 pack of Andrex under their arm and nothing else, I can’t help but think that that person has got some serious business to attend to. I mean, what situation can result in needing to buy a gargantuan amount of toilet roll in one go and nothing else? Does this person not need any sustenance of some kind? Some Lucozade at least wouldn’t go a miss. I don’t know, maybe it’s just me who feels massively embarrassed advertising to the world what my immediate plans are when I get home, but now after reading this you’ll all be converted and stop signifying your impending toilet trip to all that you meet. All I can say is, you’re welcome.

Agree with this list? Got anything else to add? Leave a comment and let us know what would have made your top 5.


Harry Potter and the Unused Book Titles

We are all familiar with the monumentally successful book series Harry Potter and the subsequent film adaptations which have captured the hearts and minds of children and adults alike since the late nineties.

What you may not know is that, with every release bringing more and more notoriety and the possibility to make some serious wizarding moolah, an almost infinite series started being planned, keeping Harry and his friends in a never-ageing, never-changing magical stasis, while each new title flew off the shelves to the sound of cash registers ringing. The idea was eventually scrapped however, as Rowling realised how much of a contradiction minefield the fictional world would create and was in a meeting with Bloomsbury, was quoted to have said, ‘Fuck that!’

Here at TPCA however, we have managed to unearth a shocking list containing just some of the hundreds of provisional titles that were being held in consideration for this new look, leviathan book series.  We must warn you, it is clear that attitudes towards the nation’s beloved wizard had taken a turn for the worse, presumably as a result of the constant media storm surrounding Rowling and the imminent release of the film adaptations. Some are vicious, others just plain lazy, and some, well they’re just absurd.

So here, finally available for public viewing, is the forgotten list:

Harry Potter and the Effervescing Elf

Harry Potter and the Vandellas

Harry Potter and the Half-Pound Mince

Harry Potter and the Sartorial Disaster

Harry Potter and the Wizarding Occurrence

Harry Potter and the Ghost/Werewolf/Bad Wizard

Harry Potter and the Time Shit Got Real

Harry Potter in the Hood

Harry Potter and the Time He Didn’t Win

Harry Potter and the Disappointing Ending

Harry Potter and the Blood Test Mystery

Harry Potter Goes To Washington

Harry Potter up The Khyber

Harry Potter and Ron’s Dad: An Unlikely Team

Harry Potter and the Need to Prove Himself

Harry Potter and the Penetrative Sex Scene

Harry Potter and the Satisfying Toilet Read

Harry Potter and the Rehashed Plot

Harry Potter and the Muggle Genocide

Harry Potter and the Trip to Alton Towers

Harry Potter Sings the Classics

Harry Potter and the Hate Crime

Harry Potter and the Band of Nerds

Harry Potter and the Suggestive Robes

Harry Potter and His Merry Men

Harry Potter and the Spiked Drink

Harry Potter and the Incredible Likeness of Being

Harry Potter and the Victimless Crime

Harry Potter and the Wand Fest

Harry Potter and the Overzealous Friend

Harry Potter and the Crushing Weight of Expectation

Harry Potter and the Legend of Ron

Harry Potter and the Exile of Ron

Harry Potter and the Seducing of Ron

Harry Potter and the Long, Drawn Out Affair

Harry Potter and the Inevitable Film Adaptation

Harry Potter and the Wizard’s Sleeve

Harry Potter and the Dorm Room Diaries

Harry Potter and the Scandalous Revelation

Harry Potter and the Troubled Boy Comes Good Storyline

Harry Potter and the Unerring Lack of Emotion

Harry Potter and the Taciturn Hand

Harry Potter and the Steroids

Harry Potter and the Burning

Harry Potter and the Inexplicable Reliance on Owls

Harry Potter and the Complete Reading of ‘King Lear’

Harry Potter and the Surprising Omission of English, Maths and Science from the Syllabus

Harry Potter and the Massive Bereavement

Harry Potter and the Banana Hammock

Harry Potter: Neville’s Story

Harry Potter: Hedwig’s Revenge

Harry Potter and the Dutch Rudder

Harry Potter and the Lion, Witch and the Wardrobe

Harry Potter and the Silly Dog

Harry Potter and the Never ending whimsical magic shenanigans

Harry Potter and the Mystery of Ron’s Face

Harry Potter and the Yay or Nay List

Harry Potter and the Viagra Potion Calamity

Harry Potter and the Statutory Rape Trial

Harry Potter and the Chastised Boggart

Harry Potter and the Underwhelming Performance

Harry Potter and the Crippling Adolescence

Harry Potter and the Straight to TV Movie

Harry Potter Unwavering Erection

And Finally:

Harry Potter: My Perfect Sunday

So there you go.  The shocking list of unused book titles from an abandoned money spinning scheme.  We believe that this list has barely scratched the surface and that there hundreds more just like it, hidden away from the public.  It is our duty to uncover the truth and expose what might have been to the world.  If anyone manages to dig out one of these lists of shame, please contact us and we will publish to the world this near literary travesty.

Thank you for reading and please get in touch.


Top 5 Musical Works by Trey Parker and Matt Stone

Music is one of the most powerful forces in modern culture.  A soundtrack to life, accentuating highs and lows, elation and sorrow and providing that extra tug on the heartstrings whenever reality fails to satisfy.  This knowledge of the raw power of music has been readily accepted by television; and none more so, than the creators of South Park.  Yes that’s right, you might not have thought it from the opening statement, but here is the top 5 musical works by Pop Cult Assault idols; Trey Parker and Matt Stone.  And just in case you were worried, of course there will be videos.

5.  Baseketball – The Car Song:  Everyone gets that feeling once in a while where a song comes on the radio or your mp3 player and it just perfectly sums up the feelings you have at the time.  Well in this instance, the relevance of the music in Trey Parker’s car goes a little bit further than most.  As well as the super-personal lyrics, the song also perfectly encapsulates that moment in all terrible films when the protagonist thinks about giving up and everything starts becoming too much and then they receive a pep talk from a wizened old man or close friend.  Luckily, this protagonist had his radio on otherwise he could have missed his life affirming rallying call and the whole film would have been about forty-five minutes long!

4.  South Park: The Movie – Up There:  Well where to start with this one?  How about that this heart wrenching ballad of loneliness and longing is sung by the devil?  Or the fact that said devil is slight doppelgänger of George Michael?  Or how about that the entire score for this film including such timeless classics as ‘Uncle Fucka’ and ‘Kyle’s Mom is a Big Fat Bitch’ has won numerous gongs and had been nominated for many more?  In fact, if it wasn’t for Phil Collins of all people, the song ‘Blame Canada’ would have won an Oscar!  For me though it is this song that stands out the most, it’s easily the most overblown (this normally constitutes greatness in my eyes) of the bunch, and the juxtaposition of Satan, and his incredibly homo-erotic dream of life above ground is just mind-blowing.  You’ll think you’ve been enjoying the song though, but wait until 1:33 when Satan gets down with his bad self and takes it to the next level.

3.  South Park –Somewhere, Out There:  Have you ever stopped and thought to yourself: If a penis could sing, what would it sound like?  I know we’ve all been stuck with this quandary but thankfully South Park yet again provide the answer.  In a heartfelt duet with a runaway mouse, Mr(s) Garrison’s genetically engineered… erm…johnson opens up (gross) and showers the audience (sick) with a golden (this is too easy) voiced rendition of the ‘American Tail’ hit.  Now in Disney films we’ve seen some strange duet partners, like a candlestick for example, (not really sure what happened there) but I’ve haven’t seen a penis being made to sing since that one really weird party I went to a few years back, but you don’t want to hear about that!  Anyway I’m getting off topic, if you want the answer to what a penis sounds like when it sings, the answer in this instance is…slightly like Stevie Nicks.

2:  South Park and Team America – Montage Song:  The song so good they used it twice.  I’m not sure how they do it, but Parker and Stone’s ability to completely sum up and ridicule huge sections of popular culture in a few short lines is a joy to behold, and this time their victim is the constant stream of recycled action/sport films which insist on re-using the same exhausted script over and over again and cramming it into the heads of the foolish cinema goers.

Life in the Sports/Action film boardroom.

It’s got to the point where I now feel that in order to achieve anything in life like getting a new job, or learning a new language, I’m going to have to get my ass down the gym and learn some hard-hitting truths while lifting consecutively heavier weights.  So here it is anyway, a toast to the hugely clichéd montage which hopefully will spell the end of the ever-present, unerring, terrible action/film script.

1:  Orgazmo – Now You’re a Man:  If I made a list titled greatest songs of all time, this would still be number one.  From this mock-action film comes a theme tune which acknowledges the rules of tough guy film music and twists them into a hilarious blend of hyperbole, epic rock, base level humour, and pop culture satire.  Also, as a little added bonus, I can’t help hearing a bit of Metallica as Trey Parker powers his way through this track.  As a warning, after hearing this song, it may well be stuck in your head for the foreseeable future so remember, shouting ‘No it’s probably the titties!’ in your best James Hetfield voice, is not acceptable, unless the other person has heard the song and then they’ll just think you’re the coolest kid in town!

So that’s it, I hope you enjoy my list.  I’m sure there could be quite a lot of debate around this one so any comments are welcome.  Enjoy!

 


Top 5 Unfortunate Sporting Names

For some reason or other, I have found myself in a bit of a sporting mood recently.  So, with inspiration taken from the hours and hours of watching people I’ve never heard of playing sports I didn’t know existed; here is my top five of unfortunately named athletes, and yes I’ll even throw in a list of all those poor souls who didn’t quite make it.  Enjoy!

At least the kid got the joke.

5. Lee Bum-Young:  This ingenious hyphenated wonder could have remained hidden for years if it wasn’t for a certain penalty last night.  It can be taken two ways (giggidy); some of you might choose to condemn LEE for his paedophilic double barrel moniker whereas others might adopt the ‘has off to him, he’s started early’ response with a look of sex-related respect.  However you see it, you must thank Great Britain for entering a football team in this year’s Olympics, without which this gem might well have slipped through the net.

4.  Phil Pfister:  Dear dear, now this is an unfortunate one.  A name with of the subtlety of…well fisting I guess.  And just to make sure it’s stays fresh in your mind way after witnessing this guy benching cars and planes and buildings and all kinds of unimaginable stuff on World’s Strongest Man, he’s even got the alliterative first name to top it off.  The only thing that can make this terribly unfortunate occurrence any worse, is when you the size of that guy’s hands.  Jeez.

3.  God Shammgod:  Wow!  How often do you think this guy goes to church?  I can’t possibly imagine how this name came about but at least the crowd is left under no illusion whether this chap is a follower of the faith.  This former NBA point guard must have thoroughly enjoyed his away games through the hugely god-fearing bible belt, if only the oppositions felt the same fear, he could have been a legend for more reasons than one.  As it is, I’m pretty sure that the only record this blasphemous baller holds is for least shirt sales at the merchandise stands.

2.  Misty Hyman:  Cheers Mom and Dad.  This is easily the most successful, terribly named athlete on our list having won gold in the swimming at the Sydney games in 2000.  But with success comes notoriety, and that might not be completely welcome when your name sounds a totally uninviting lady garden.  To be honest though with THAT surname, even the most normal of first names isn’t going to help much, somebody put a ring on her finger quick!

1.  Gaylord Silly:  Here he is; number one.  Well, in this competition anyway.  Gaylord (yes it is a real name, and we just thought Meet the Parents made it up) is a Seychellian…Seychellese…is a long distance runner from the Seychelles and legend amongst the running world, and you know it isn’t for his ability.  What an absolutely brilliant name though, yes it’s less rude (and blasphemous) than the others but the combination of a completely outrageous first name which frankly borders on child abuse, and the overly mild expression of shenanigans, is, well, just downright silly.  Apparently when he’s not racing he works as a tree surgeon in France, as well day-maker for anyone who happens to flicking through the ‘T’ section of the French yellow pages.  All I can say is, if I was French home-owner with an unruly garden, I’d be the happiest man in the world.

So there it is, my list of unfortunate sporting names and I must admit it’s been a joy to research this one.  As promised here is a list of those unlucky candidates who didn’t make the cut:

Dean Windass – Ex Premiership Footballer and nightmare to be behind in a queue

Stern John – Ex Premiership Footballer and generally angry man

Saatanan Saatana – Slovakian Ice Hockey Player and the devil incarnate

Dick Trickle – Nascar Legend and spokesman for Tena Man

Phyllis Mangina – Women’s Basketball Coach and unluckiest woman in the world

Dick Felt – Former Boston Patriots defensive backer and overly friendly team mate

Rusty Kuntz – Ex Baseball Star and unpracticed lover

And Finally…

Kim Yoo Suk – South Korean Pole Vaulter and big self-hater.


Top 5 #12

Top 5 Programmes That Put You off Food

We’ve all been there, it gets to dinnertime and you’ve got to root through the cupboards to find a few ingredients that will hopefully go well together.  What you really should be thinking of however, is the more important partnership of food and television.  What’s the point of putting the effort in and making something nice to eat if you’re not going to be able to keep it where it belongs?  You can’t run the risk of flicking through the channels when you’ve already sat down to eat, so here is a short guide to the most off-putting programmes (in handy Top 5 format) to save you unsuspecting souls who don’t have the common decency to eat at the dinner table!

5. Man Vs. Food:  This one has managed to sneak on to the list purely because of the amount I like to watch it combined with the variety of times it is shown throughout the day.  I’m not certain but I reckon you could stand to get put off by this show at every meal of the day, and that includes brunch and afternoon tea.  There are a lot worse programmes to eat to, as you will soon see, but something about seeing an already obese American force feed himself horrifically spicy wings or gargantuan portions of deep-fried awfulness doesn’t really do much for my appetite.  I just can’t help but feel sorry for the guy’s digestive system and that ain’t the kind of mental imagery you want to have while trying to finish you’re comparatively pathetic meal.  On the flip side though, I do find that I sometimes experience an unfamiliar feeling of pride over my body and diet when watching Adam sweat and gag his way through his own body weight in burrito, but still, there’s only so far I’ll go to feel good, and watching this whilst eating is a step beyond.

4. Anything Charity Based:  By this I mean programmes like Comic Relief or Sport Relief or anything along those lines.  They might seem like a good idea when perusing the listings; an opportunity to see all your favourite stars doing embarrassing things for a good cause, maybe a chance to see a football team…do something embarrassing for a good cause, and of course, you’re guaranteed to find James Corden pretending to piss off a room full of famous faces.  It’s often quite embarrassing, but don’t worry, it is for a good cause.  But wait, don’t start hurling all over the place just yet.  The worst thing you can find yourself chowing down to is obviously the appeal.  Nothing hits home harder than moving on to your last (and completely unnecessary) slice of overly-indulgent Domino’s and having footage of starving children and famine stricken countries come up on-screen.  You can’t quite shake off that guilt once you’ve seen the pictures and you sit and wait for minutes (you’re way past the point of changing the channel by now, seriously, you have to do it before the first image comes up and the voiceover starts, fact) for John Bishop to come back on and tell you it’s alright to eat again now.  They’ll soon lighten the mood anyway; they’ll probably get Phil Tufnell to do something he’s not very good at.

3. Supersize Vs. Superskinny/ The Biggest Loser/ Anything about Massive People:  I maybe stating the obvious here but just so everyone knows, programmes featuring morbidly obese people don’t make the best mealtime accompaniment.  There are so many variations of these programmes now that the experts are running out of matter that has been expelled by the subject to rummage through and use as a barometer to their fatness.  These programmes rely on shock value for their popularity and it has been decided that the best way to do this is to confront the embarrassed food addict with their weekly intake, all blended together like a terrible, ambiguous milkshake.  Suddenly the realisation of their monstrous intake hits them, and they overcome by the ungodly (and completely irrelevant) sight of their diet in a mixed-matter state while the host tells them how fat they are.  If The Mega Blender wasn’t enough, the body-fat free presenter then accentuates his point by sifting through a variety of bodily fluids and excretions to find evidence that…well I’m sure there is some reason for it.  Anyway, incredibly overweight people, disgusting junk food cocktails, and in-depth examinations of faeces, don’t make for a palatable mealtime accompaniment.

2. 24 Hours in A and E:  An utterly horrendous programme to casually flick onto, although really, you should’ve had your dinner by now, shouldn’t you?  This is one of those programmes where I don’t understand why anyone would watch it at any time, regardless of whether they’re eating.  It’s basically an hour of the worst kinds of pain and emotion that I can imagine, complete with the harrowing realisation that everybody dies and some people do so in huge amounts of pain.  Surely there’s some reality that TV doesn’t need to go near, and death and pain has to be one of them.

1.  Embarrassing Bodies:  Awful.  Just awful.  Again, I don’t understand why anyone would choose to watch a programme which is more of a gross-out than a Dirty Sanchez special starring Tom Green with the humour drained out of it.  Last time I came across it flicking through channels, a woman was complaining through a web cam about having massive poos.  To make sure we took her seriously though, she’s wrapped one up in cling film to show the sceptical audience.  I mean, what the fuck?  I don’t need that shit, literally.  The whole programme is nauseating tightrope walk between repulsion and pity as the depressed victims of misfortune (and carefree sex) are somehow convinced to show their ailments to an audience of millions, despite being previously too scared to show to anybody.  Whatever you might be unlucky enough to be caught eating to this programme, I guarantee that somewhere within the show you will find something on someone’s body that resembles it.  That is why this programme is number one, and why I will always have my dinner at the table.

So there you have it, a helpful guide to the stomach-churning minefield that is the TV listings.  Enjoy!


Top 5 Inexplicable Forms of Entertainment

 

It’s brilliant that we live in such a diverse world where so many different ideas and varieties of entertainment can be taken in by the willing public.  There are a few though, some inexplicable, nonsensical, lack lustre leisure activities that have somehow made their way in to the hearts of many on a far too regular occasion.  Here is a list of some of the main offenders:

5.  Tarot Readings:  With all the science and knowledge in the world today it’s amazing that this money spinner is still paid for and, in an alarmingly high number of cases, believed in.  The fact that in France and Italy the cards are used for a regular card game says it all, but somewhere along the way people have stopped and thought, “Hold on, this hand I’ve been dealt for this game purely by chance really relates to my life and my future, probably.  Why has no one realised this before!?”  Because it’s bollocks, that’s why.  The public though, likes to believe, and believe they will.

4. Karaoke:  There is no greater disappointment than going to the pub with your friends for a few relaxing drinks, only to discover that it’s a bloody karaoke night, even worse if you’ve already bought your drink before you realise, and if the only table left is the one right by the speakers.  Gutted.  Most people who can’t sing don’t really like to celebrate that fact, but others revel in it, for the amusement of others.  But the worst is the half talented performers who take it too seriously and think they’re doing everyone a service by trundling through ‘Total Eclipse of the Heart’ with all the emotion drained out of it.  These mildly talented people are the bane of karaoke, not bad enough to be funny, not good enough to be impressive, just there, to take up the valuable minutes of your life and serve up malnourished versions of soulless pop songs.  If you’re really lucky, you might get some middle-aged guy singing ‘Angels’, but only if you play your cards right.

3.  Hypnotism:  A very, very strange concept for entertainment.  Here we see a person losing all control of their actions and being forced in to highly embarrassing situations, much to the hilarity of the somewhat sinister crowd.  I’m pretty sure that if this was the Harry Potter world, you’d get put in jail for that kind of shit.  The volunteer must obviously be a fan of the act, or just so starved of attention that they want to make a fool of themselves in front of a room of strangers, the ridiculous part of it is though that by putting themselves at the mercy of the hypnotist, they then miss the whole act which they have paid to see.  What a waste.

2.  Human Statues:  What is the point?  I mean really, why is this seen as a worthy act which is deserved of spare change?  If you have ever given money to these fake marble fools then I hope you are aware that you have paid someone to stand still.  And what’s worse, by paying them, you are allowing them to move.  Surely, the longer they stand still the more “impressive” it gets and therefore could be worth more but by going down that route the pseudo-sculpture would never “earn” any money.  What a shame.  Anyway, to all you fraudulent figurines, standing still does not count as work, and no one will be fooled by a man wearing a sheet with a painted face, standing outside Carphone Warehouse.

1.  Mime:  Why, why, why would anyone want to see someone pretending to do everyday tasks while they do their Saturday shopping.  I don’t know about you, but watching someone pretending to touch a wall just doesn’t really do it for me.  Call it a lack of imagination and humour but I’m not that fussed about seeing a man fake eating a banana.  And call me a bore but I’m certainly not overawed with watching a one-man, fictitious tug-of-war.  It’s just stupid, that’s all, and a waste of eyesight. It has to be top of the list because no one gains anything from it occurring.  The audience leave disappointed at witnessing the most mundane of actions be faked in front of them, and the mime artist themselves haven’t got anything worthwhile done because they’ve been faffing about all day phoning it in.

So that’s it, a list of time-wasting, pointless forms of “entertainment” for you to boycott, for your viewing pleasure.  Hopefully this list can bring you more excitement than the bullshit it focuses on.


Top 5 #10

 

Annoying Facebook Stuff

It’s not easy battling with Facebook addiction as we all well know, but it would be nice if while we we’re all indulging in our obsession, we didn’t have to put up with these annoyances.

5. Pictures of Feet:  Every Sunday Facebook finds itself flooded with floor-bound photos.  As the hangover takes its toll and I try to numb the pain with seeing how hammered everyone else was and subsequently how hungover they now will be, all I am greeted with is circle after circle of shoes.  The only thing I can hope for is for a number of people of people to have gone bowling just to breathe some originality into the monotony of heels.

4. Pictures of Jumping in the Air on the Beach:  Having already touched upon this topic in a previous Top 5 complainy list, you can see that obviously something which is dear to my heart.  As well as the obvious annoyance of the whole ‘Oh my God look how crazy I am and how much fun I have’ thing, the other part of these pictures which really grind my gears is the fact that every person involved in the jumping will then use this as their profile picture.  By choosing this picture, are we to think that you want to be seen as just a generic crowd?  As someone who is afraid to differ from their friends and also the millions of other fun-lovers who jump up and down on beaches.  Of course the person you really need to feel sorry for is the person taking the photo, they have to suffer the humiliation and loneliness of being the only person without a bullshit, pseudo-wild, organized fun profile picture.

Piss off.

3. Friend Collecting:  It seems to me that Facebook or any other social networking site has made the world regress to primary school age where people feel it necessary to count the number of friends they have and therefore judge their popularity on that.  Befriending people like estranged family members, mate’s mate’s mates, and people you’ve seen around the village is just not acceptable.  Don’t let yourself become an accessory to their stats-based happiness.

2. Fishing for Interest:  “I’ve had the worst day ever”, “Some people are just dickheads”.  Do these kind of status’ sound familiar?  And are you always intrigued to know what is going on?  Well stop, and take your hands off away from the keys. Don’t let yourself get suckered in by these ambiguous chunks of lexical bait.  If people have news that they believe is worthy of posting then say it, don’t try to raise your self-importance levels by drawing in the unwitting.  We know your game now people, and it ain’t gonna fly!

1. Life Commentary:  The worst of the worst.  The people who post every little moment of their life on Facebook, I don’t care if you’ve just got out of bed, or how nice your breakfast was, or how busy the bus might be, or what you’re having for dinner, I don’t care!  Why would anyone actually think this online daily log of normalcy would be of interest to anyone?  Have these people had their ego fed through numerous ‘pokes’ and ‘likes’ so much that they feel the lowly common folk on Facebook are desperately impatient as to what their TV schedule for the night will be?  But the worst part of it is, the really sickening part is that I sit there, reading all these tedious statuses, with hatred growing inside me, mainly at the person for wasting my precious brain space with their rubbish, but also at the knowledge that I will carry on reading, about how boring work is, about sandwiches, about whether, and about fucking TV, until I’m desperate for an ambiguous status eluding to something remotely interesting happening in someone’s life! It’s just a big circle of loathing.

So there’s my list, yes I am aware that I’m publicising this on Facebook so feel free to treat it as boring, irrelevant or self-inflating bullshit.  If you like it, make sure you add me as a friend, subscribe to the blog, like all my profile pictures, and say “What’s up hun? x” whenever I post some whiny attempt at a conversation starter.